WANTED: Friend

I don’t usually let the calendar dictate my life. But when I saw February is National Friendship Month, I took it as a shove.

I’ve been meaning to make local friends for two and a half years – and ‘meaning to’ is not an effective strategy.

Because it turns out that I need a nearby human or two.

To be clear, I am deeply blessed with many extraordinary people in my life. I have history-rich, soul-deep, text-at-midnight, cry/laugh-on-the-phone friends, and I love them to pieces. If I could, I’d load them all onto a bus and head over to the nearby pub while we sing out loud to The Partridge Family’s Greatest Hits.

But I can’t.
Because they mostly live elsewhere.
Faraway places that require airfare.

And while FaceTime is fun, it doesn’t help when you need someone to wander Kohls with a zero agenda, take a really slow walk because your knee is unreliable, or maybe split a heaping plate of buffalo wings and solve the world’s problems.

I don’t need 50 people… just a few.

When I moved here, the first year was filled with working, house-nesting, and city-touring. Finding my footing – and my favorite bar, to be honest. I tried on a few groups like outfits in a dressing room, but nothing quite fit. Too tight. Too beige. Too loud.

Year two? Cancer.
And while I met some amazing women while sitting in the chemo chair, cancer is not a strong friendship-building season.

Year three? Recover. Heal. Work. Travel. Write.
Blah blah.

Now?
Hello, year four. And still no local friends.

So I’ve decided this is the year I am officially participating in the activity of friend-finding.

But how to meet them?

Join more local groups? Maybe….
I do have causes I care deeply about… But I don’t necessarily want shared outrage to be the foundation of every friendship. I’d prefer we bond over fries and sarcasm before we dismantle democracy together. And while I will occasionally craft, that’s not enough to sustain me socially. Yarn and glue guns can be fun, but if that’s the entire personality of a group, I’ll likely bolt after a few sessions.

Friendship dating via online matching? I dunno…
They want you to choose interest words like “outdoorsy” and “sunrise enthusiast.” Very few of their words describe me. Which means that I’d be potentially meeting new friends under false pretenses because I had to check “adventurous” when I am, in fact, not. And I’m not interested in starting new friendships under false advertising.

An online ad?
Hmmm.
Bold. Slightly unhinged. But promising.
Kinda like me…

But how would that even read?

If I were to do this, I needed to arrive as myself. Not a curated version. Not a softened version. Not a sunrise-enthusiast version.

So leaning in with brutal honesty, I came up with a first draft:

WANTED: FRIEND
Female-ish human preferred, but I’m flexible.

I don’t need a new emergency contact or a ride-or-die. I’m not seeking a soul-merging, braid-each-other’s-hair bestie situation.
Just a seeking company. Companionship. Camaraderie.
Someone geographically convenient and emotionally literate.

I’m interesting and imperfect.

I like reading, Scrabble, word games, and puzzles.
Trash talking and eye-rolling.
Healthy debating – although not every margarita needs to come with a manifesto.
Chatting at a bar. (Not a table… NEVER a table!)
Baseball. (No Yankees fans, please.)

I’m sixty-four, happily married, pleasantly ‘upholstered,’ with one silly basset.
I write for a living and because I can’t not write.

I am fun. And funny. Frequently snarky.

I am not athletic.
I do not smoke.
I am not religious.
I will not tolerate hypocrisy, false pretenses or preconceived notions.

I lean very, very left. You don’t have to agree with me on everything, but if you think empathy is weakness, we will not be a match.

I am not daring. I will not cliff dive. I will absolutely walk – slowly… and with commentary, but I will not summit.

I have the mouth of a truck driver and the curiosity of a journalist.
I will analyze a menu for 35 minutes as though I were researching a dissertation and debate you to death about something trivial simply for sport.

More than anything, I adore a great conversation.

I have a few sharp edges: if you stick around, you will find them.
But if I like you, I will show up consistently, text you hysterical memes in the middle of the night, laugh out loud until they tell us to tone it down, and sit at the bar with you for years.

But never a table.

Apply within.

(Good start. But exactly where the fuck do I post this?!)