No Butts About It

Last month while waiting in the exam room at my doctor’s office, I bided my time with a woman’s magazine from their limited (and elderly) selection of reading material. I’d forgotten my own book, some asshole already circled every item on the Hidden Pictures page of the one and only Highlights magazine I could find, I’d already built a few houses out of the jar of tongue depressors – hell, I’d even used the baby scale to weigh my own boobs. I was BORED. So there I am, fanning through this pathetic rag, clad in a paper dress, when I come across an article about women who are having fat from their asses injected into their face. The result, the article claims, is ‘a more healthy and youthful look.’ I’m sitting there looking at those before-and-after pics, when it suddenly occurs to me that these women literally have butt cheeks.

Are you fucking kidding me??

Coincidentally, I’d spent an afternoon with a group of very fun women a few weeks back who were discussing a whole gamut of topics, beauty products included, when one of them mentioned that they use Preparation H instead of eye cream. Cut. The. Shit!! Sure, she says… women have been doing this for years. YEARS! Seems that the Canadian version of Preparation H contains some magic ingredient (called BioDyne) that reduces the appearance of wrinkles. The U.S. version stopped using BioDyne about five years back, which is freaking hysterical when you consider that lots of women in this country are using ass cream on their face with virtually no results, other than making me laugh so hard that I actually wee myself a tiny bit…

Anyhow, Le H de Préparation can be found in the U.S. a la eBay for about $20, making it less than half the price of many eye creams. But do I really want to apply a product to my face that’s meant to be smeared on my hinderly regions?

During this same discussion, another woman sang praises for Monostat Chafing Relief Gel (read: diaper rash ointment) as a foundation primer because both products share the same list of ingredients. At less than 30% of the primer’s cost, there’s also big savings here – and the Internet is packed with testimonials attesting to this substitute. But diaper rash ointment? REALLY??

According to Newsweek, American women spend about $1,200 annually on cosmetics. I’m starting to wonder how much of that is spent on ass products that are never intended to be used on anyone’s ass.

Personally, I don’t have a stockpile of beauty products. And honest to shit, I didn’t even know what foundation primer was or why I’d need it until last month (I only wear foundation on New Year’s and anniversaries, which explains why my only good dress always has makeup stains…). But the beauty products I have sure don’t come from the Intimate Care aisle of my pharmacy. And all the instructions specifically state APPLY TO FACE. Not ASS. Call me silly, but somehow that comforts me.

If only I could get past the whole I’m-saving-a-freaking-fortune-by-putting-ass-products-on-my-face thing… But I can’t. Whatever savings resulted from doing this would need to be used to buy back my dignity.

Everyone’s got a line and, apparently, ass products on my face is where I draw mine.

We all need personal barriers. Because really, what the fuck would be next? Anti-itch cream as moisturizer? Personal lubricant to remove eye makeup? Douche as a toner??

Aw, crapnuts: I just remembered that I use a toner that’s more or less watered-down cider vinegar. So really, I AM douching my face.

I’m such an ass…

AFTERNOTE: For those of you who use Preparation H in place of eye cream (and you know who you are), check out the instructions that state: “Be sure to empty your bowel just before use, and avoid doing so up to two hours after…”