Ten Things I Like About Kim Kardashian

Two years ago, I’d never heard of Kim Kardashian. Didn’t have a clue. I hardly watch television or read tabloids, so I had no prior exposure to Kim until folks started incessantly talking about her wedding and then – practically four minutes later – her divorce. I was all like, who the fuck is Kim Kardashian? So I went home and Googled her. What I learned made me laugh out loud, then gack my lunch, and then decide I really like Kim Kardashian. For ten reasons:

1. She looks hideous when she cries. When a beautiful woman looks that creepy-funny while sobbing, some semblance of balance is magically restored in the universe… almost like if we found out that Angelina Jolie’s real name was Mildred. In my book, Kim gets credit for crying on national TV, despite knowing how ridiculous she looks (because really, haven’t we all blubbered in front of a mirror at some point in our teens or thirties?). She gets double points for making me laugh my ass off every time I see it.

2. She wore a sofa to an awards show. She donned upholstery fabric that must have been plucked right out of the Laura Ashley reject bin. To a globally televised event. While she was a bazillion months pregnant. Which, when combined, took her from looking like a cozy little loveseat straight to a king-sized Jennifer Convertible. That dress always reminds me of my Grandmother’s drapes. And I really loved my Gram, so I like that about Kim.

3. She makes a fortune doing nothing. Okay, not really nothing: she stands in front of cameras while at major events or gas stations, dressed in (or out of) designer clothes. And breathes. That’s. Fucking. It. Sometimes I think – HEY! I can do that too! – but then I remember that I don’t have designer clothes. And I’m fat. But at least I don’t look hideously ugly when I cry…

4. She knows how to milk a cow. She brings in $30k per product Tweet, charges about $70k to appear at various clubs and – according to one report – was paid more than $200k to speak for less than one minute. I like to think that Kim was paid that $200k to speak – literally – for less than one minute. If you get my meaning. That always makes me chortle…

5. She tells it like it is. I adore the pure honesty of statements like “I am not a fucking expert” or “I have no idea what I’m doing.” Not to mention the candor of others like “I don’t like big balls on a dog” or “what a gross little monkey!” Personally, this is my all-time favorite: “You have a better, like, looking vagina than I thought.” If this ain’t entertainment, then I don’t know what the hell is.

6. She loves her butt. You have to appreciate a woman who is so sure of herself, she’s constantly snapping pics of her own large ass to post online. I also happen to have an omnipresent butt, and Kim reminds me to not be as down on myself about that. (I am totally not posting any pics on Instagram, though.)

7. She’s open to trying new things. Whether it’s dancing, singing, (ahem) acting, making a sex tape, getting married for three minutes or attempting to set a Guinness record for the number of ass selfies, this girl is all about saying YES to opportunities. Sure it’s famewhoring, but it’s also a call to arms for those of us not so willing to try new, exciting things that might open doors and make us see the world differently. Like slate-grey eyeliner, or having your anus bleached…

8. She named her child something meaningful. I don’t really know for certain, but I’m guessing that the name of her daughter is a big, fat fuck you! to everyone who ever challenged Kim’s intelligence by claiming she didn’t even know which way was up. It’ll make a great story for the kid: Mom, tell me why you named me North…

9. She can open up and be serious. Last month, she Tweeted for prayers because her dye job came out too dark. And just a few days back, poor Kim cried over the utterly cruel and self-centered manner in which her Elle cover shot was being publicized. When I saw that, I stopped everything I was doing and lit a candle. Well, maybe I would have, after I stopped laughing from watching her cry…

10. She is proof that there is nothing worth watching on TV. At least she proves that to me. I also believe she may be yet another sign of the coming Apocalypse – but hey, I was wrong about Oprah, so who knows…