Trump Dumps

Like most folks, I signed up for a Twitter account years ago but never used it. Twitter has rarely amused me – until I started reading the tweets of our new President.

I read that Trump tweets while he’s working on his morning poo. Which is proof that the man can at least multitask. Anyhow, the tiny handfuls (pun intended) of thoughts (pun also intended) he types are Hillarious A. F. when you actually forget that they’re being written by the President of our country, who’s one snack-deprived temper tantrum away from blowing us all beyond tomorrow. It’s the funniest shit I’ve seen on the internet since that time Donald Trump ran for President. Right up until the time he won.

What makes Trump’s Twitter dumps so brilliant is their beat. Like the 5-7-5 count of Haiku, there’s a rhythmic math to these tweets that, when combined with a perverse alternate reality, is beyond hysterical. I gave it a spin myself, and I couldn’t stop.

FOUND OUT POTTERY BARN DOESN’T EVEN SELL POTTERY. OR BARNS. OR POTTERY BARNS. DISHONEST BUSINESS. FAKE NEWS!

BIRDS POOP WHITE – NO ONE CALLS THEM RACIST! TOTALLY BIASED. SAD!

CHARLIE BROWN SUCH A LOSER. NOT EVEN LIKED BY HIS OWN DOG. PAYS FOR HIS OWN PSYCHIATRIC HEALTHCARE THOUGH. WIN!

WATCHING GILLIGAN’S ISLAND. PROFESSOR CAN’T FIX BOAT! SHOWS POOR QUALITY OF AMERICAN EDUCATION SYSTEM. SAD!

DC WOMENS MARCH BIG FAILURE. NO BATON TWIRLERS! POOR FORMATION, UGLY BAND UNIFORMS. PATHETIC!

TIRED OF PEOPLE COMPLAINING ABOUT THIS COUNTRY. IF YOU DON’T LIKE THE U.S., MOVE TO TEXAS. HATERS!

EXPERTS CLAIM GLOBAL WARMING ON THE RISE, WHEN IT’S THE MIDDLE OF WINTER. DEFUND THE SCIENCES! STUPID!

LANDSLIDE ERECTION VICTORY – MILLIONS TURN OUT! FANTASTIC!

THIRTEEN FOLLOWS TWELVE. BLAMES EVERYONE ELSE. SAD!

The one thing I could have done to make this creative writing exercise more authentic was type it up while pooping. But – unlike our POTUS – I am not capable of hurling crap out of two orifices at the same time. Trump dumps are clearly his own superpower…