Vodka is Good for My Brain

I have long maintained that the level of my creativity is directly proportional to the number of cocktails I consume. Not that I intentionally drink to think (hey, that saying would make a great bumper sticker…), but my aptitude for solving a problem, my capacity for unleashing a keen idea, my wit in conjuring humorous rhetoric all dramatically increase with each libation I ingest. It’s amazing! I used to call this a superpower, but have recently learned that research confirms this as fact for many humans. And you sure can’t argue with science (unless, of course, they were drinking while having made this discovery…)

Alas, whenever I dissertate this magical quality with others (and I often do, particularly while drinking), my husband, bartenders and fellow drinking partners will typically sneer in a combination of disbelief and doubt. I have proof! I passionately respond. Look at these! I exclaim, emptying my pockets to produce a small pile of crumpled cocktail napkins, upon which (in addition to buffalo-wing sauce) are hand-written notes revealing mind-blowing thoughts and inventions that, if nurtured to their full potential, could make me rich and famous beyond my wildest imagination. Which, uh… is pretty imaginative right now, because I’ve been drinking while writing this article…

To prove my point, here are but a few of my brainchildren (and don’t you be thinking about stealing any of them):

  • I am going to design a collection of jewelry handcrafted with corks from empty wine bottles around the world. Necklaces, bellybutton rings, you name it – all from a night you’ll never forget… once you sober up, at least. I’ll call it BaubleLushious
  • Based on personal experience, I’ve decided to invent a Medical-Alert like item that is worn around the neck and – when pressed – calls not an ambulance, but the local liquor store (tagline: HELP – I’m out of vodka and I can’t get up!). You know, for those nights of super-duper creativity! Actually, I’m thinking about combining this invention with the wine-cork jewlery…
  • I’m flying over to Paris and buying the least expensive hotel that’s for sale and renaming it Zee Hotel. So whenever stupid Americans jump into a cab fresh from Orly airport and – believing a fake French accent might help them communicate better – announce that they vant to go to zee ‘otel!, the driver is forced to take them directly to my place. I’ll charge a fortune per night and they won’t care (on account of being stupid Americans). It’s a no-brainer! Once the money starts coming in, I’ll open another one called Lay Hotel
  • I’m designing a line of funeral wear exclusively for the bereaved wife who’s on the make for a new sugar daddy. All black and highly fashionable with a touch of flirtiness, I will call it Merry Widow. I’ll create a sister line of haute couture for the recently deceased (complete with a convenient neck-to-foot zipper in the back) that I’ll name To Die For. I may even tackle a third line: sexy lingerie for widows returning to the dating scene, under the label Mourning After
  • I am looking into glow-in-the-dark toilet seats. Clearly, there’s a market…
  • I’m hiring someone who will help be write a mobile app that will, when you hold up your iPhone to an airplane window, determine your geolocation to show you state lines and scenic locations over which you’re currently flying…
  • I’m conducting research into how to convert the motion from the spinning wheel in my electric meter into electricity. Once I’m finished, I’m going to force the electric company buy the electricity from me.

Honestly, I amaze myself. In fact, the next time I order stationery, I’m having it printed on 4×4-inch, two-ply paper. The super absorbent properties of cocktail napkins make them perfect for capturing my moments of brilliance. Which, incredibly, I often do not recall until emptying my pockets days later for laundry. Must be because I’m always onto the next moment of brilliance…

Go ahead: mock me. Laugh, even. But while you’re laughing, remember this:, nobody has ever come up with a great idea after a second bottle of water.*

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to the liquor store.


* a quote from American sommelier Kelly McAuliffe.