Let Me NOT Say This…

If you read my last post regarding the battle I’m having with my ~~completely made up~~ sad affliction, you already know that every one of my thoughts travels directly from my brain straight to my tongue and out of my mouth, completely unchecked. Over the years, this has resulted in more wisecracks, sarcastic remarks, smite comments and assorted unkindnesses than there are funeral homes in Boca. But I am getting better at checking myself, and the frequency with which I lose friends and invitations back to parties, homes and bars is substantially less.

But all of this recent writing about what I do say has left me wondering about things I don’t say, or likely ever will. For example, here are several statements I just know I will never speak aloud with any degree of honesty:

Really, you’re better off without hearing my opinion on that.

There – I’ve just finished everything on my TO-DO list.

This size 9 dress is simply hanging on me!

Cheesecake? No, I’d actually prefer a cucumber salad.

I have finally decided to never swear again.

Oh, goodie – it’s Christmas, my very favorite time of year!!

I just wore out another pair of running shoes.

Chin hairs? Never had a problem with them.

Of course I know where your lucky paperclip is – in this house, I know where everything is!

I don’t have any problems limiting myself to one glass of wine…

Spur-of-the-moment visitors? Why not, the house is clean as a whistle!

May I please do the dishes tonight? PLEASE????

HEY – let’s have an alcohol-free karaoke party!

That’s all the money we need for retirement. Now, what shall we do with this spare cash?

I had no idea how easy it is to meditate.

Sorry, but we haven’t had cookies in this house for years… how about a nice celery stalk?

An award for the most reliable person ever in the history of all the world? Why, thank you!

Hello, Bowflex Customer Support? The odometer on my treadmill just reached its limit…

You’re right: my breasts really are quite perky.

What will you never say?