If I Ran Everything

buttonqueenIf, for whatever reason (and there really are lots of good reasons) I were annointed and/or appointed in charge of, oh… EVERYTHING in the whole universe, things would be far happier. And easier. And funner. And fairer. And friendlier. LOTS. For starters, here’s a short list of what I’d decree:


  • TV would have a Hee Haw Channel.
  • Everyone would wear name tags.
  • Peter Yarrow would have written a fourth verse, telling us that Puff found another little boy to play with and everything turned out alright.
  • Happy Hour would be reserved only for the happy.
  • Men would menstruate. Just once, at some point in their mid twenties. (Badly. Full-on emotional outbursts, major gushing, puking through the nose and cramps so bad they’re writhing on the floor, crying like little girls.)
  • Hairy legs on a woman would be considered sexy.
  • Airplane and stadium seats would be built to accommodate a normal-sized adult person.
  • Presidential debates would be replaced with rounds of Jeopardy, hosted by Alex Trebek.
  • The small print on any Agreement, Contract or Warranty would be super-duper large.
  • We’d receive tax credits for food we grow for our own consumption.
  • Corn would never be creamed. EVER.
  • TV meteorologists would not be so glum when forecasting rain.
  • It would be a crime to sell unscented deoderant that had any hint of a scent.
  • Manners would be taught in grade school.
  • The next time Texas announces they want to secede, I’d let them.
  • Facebook would have a button called ‘Hide all posts of abused dogs and neglected/hungry/dying children, so I don’t end up bawling my fucking eyes out all day.’
  • Funeral homes would have bars.
  • Public officials would endure annual performance appraisals, written by their own constituency. Salary increases, benefits and other perks would be commensurate with the results.
  • The word HATE would be banned.
  • Grocery stores would place the peanut butter next to the jelly, bananas next to the cereal, bacon next to the eggs, tampons next to the vodka, limes next to the tequila and Doritos next to the Midol.
  • Packs of cigarettes would have a list of ingredients printed on them.
  • Donuts and ice cream would be calorie-free.
  • Fun mirrors (the kind where you look ridiculously tall and super-stinking thin) would be installed in Ladies rooms across America.
  • All movies would come with a CAUTION warning as necessary, if a beloved dog/parent/hero/young, adorable child dies at the end.
  • The Electoral College would no longer exist.
  • Yoplait, Danon and other similar products would have to print THIS IS NOT YOGURT! on their labels, Kellogg’s would have to print THIS IS WOOD FILLER! on Special K boxes, and Kraft would have to print THERE IS NO CHEESE IN THIS! on their Mac and Cheese packages.
  • Cellophane wrappers would be banned in cinemas during movie play.

Yes: that’s a good start.
See? There are lots of good reasons why I should be in charge of frickin’ everything…