Unclogging My Brain. Again

I’ve had several nights in my life (alright, maybe only about three) where I’ve been jolted from the deepest of sleeps by an idea of such magnitude and brilliance, it’s awed me. The solution to a problem, the answer to a nagging question, the marketing idea I’d been seeking, the location of where I left my lucky pen… Whatever it was at that moment, I was tickled enough to toss flowers at myself. Sadly, most of the time I awaken in the middle of night, it’s due to either canine gas or a thought of such absurdity, I can only attribute it to bad Polynesian food – which, oddly, may have also caused the canine gas… Anyhow, it’s thoughts like these ones that constantly clog my brain and keep me up at night. None are worth my losing any sleep over, but – as is the case with the thoughts listed in Parts One and Two of this article – I do:

Why is it that the Partridge family needed that huge bus for five kids and a Mom, when the entire Brady Bunch could fit into one station wagon – even with a Dad, a housekeeper and an extra kid?

Why is it called a tire rotation when it’s actually more of a wheel rotation?

How come every time I see a woman on HGTV’s House Hunters who insists she needs ample closet space for her extensive wardrobe, she’s dressed like she doesn’t have any clothes at all?

How is it that, if they’re undocumented, we know how many undocumented immigrants there are in this country?

Why don’t most Moms let their kids go swimming in the rain… are they afraid they’ll get wet?!?

Don’t most people realize that a Certified Pre-Owned car is exactly the same as a used one?

Isn’t the act of asking whether a question is rhetorical mostly rhetoric?

Even though my Employee Assistance Plan offers help with problem identification, why would I know to call if I couldn’t identify whether I had a problem?

Don’t you think they should rename it I Can’t Believe You Would Actually Think This Shit is Butter (You Moron)?

Think I should get a prescription for sleeping aids?

(And yes: I do indeed have a lucky pen…)